The only time you should be able to pardon yourself is if you fart. But even then you still may not be popular.
The “Death Blow” fart is the most powerful fart there is. The final rule to qualify the fart to Death Blow status, is that it makes your dog leave the room.
Why does my dog look at me for an explanation when she farts?
If a woman farted in the forest, would, say, a gnome hear it?