The Phoenix Rises

A PEACE Of My Mind!

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A Canadian Wall

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker thinks it’s a legitimate concern to have a border wall built between the U.S. and Canada. And he’s right! We’re sick and tired of those pesky Canadians sneaking over here and pushing their maple syrup on us!! That’s what we have the great state of Vermont for.


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I’m A Reasonable Guy

I don’t ask for much from a girlfriend. No high demands in a relationship. I just want a girlfriend that’s gonna lick and suck food off of my fingers without me having to ask. Love is never having to use a napkin.

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Does anybody see the press conferences or that debate with the Donald, and he says something totally outrageous, shoots up in popularity polls, then removes his face to reveal it was really a mask, a la Scooby-Doo or Mission Impossible, and it’s really Ashton Kutcher, and he shouts, “America you’ve been punk’d! I totally got you!!” ?

Well, shit then. We’re really screwed. Sorry America.

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Don’t Do Politics

All these politicians lately? Jumping into the ring, running for president? Every time I see a politician who has no chance in hell in being elected, announce he’s running for President, I feel the reporter in me must follow up with the obvious question anyone must ask, “And what brand of crack do you smoke?” Just like a drug addict, they’ll spend millions of dollars on a pipe dream. I thought crack makes you feel like you have wings and jump off buildings? It’s a pity you don’t smoke that brand. And Donald Trump? He’s trippin’.

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Middle Aged Dating

Dating sucks the older you get. Doesn’t it? It gets harder to date when you get older. The pool seems to get smaller. Every year I get older is one more year I get closer to my mother’s friends pool.

“Say mom, didn’t you mention your friend Gwendolyn is a widow? You said something about her looking for another person for her Tuesday night Mahjong?”

I don’t even know what the fuck Mahjong is, but if knowing it gets you laid, then what the hell. I guess it takes a man to learn Mahjong to meet women…”

I know what you’re saying right now. “I can’t believe this comedian Flemming is actually talking about dating his mother’s friends.” I’m 48 years old people! And slightly desperate. Don’t judge me!!

The dating pool sucks. Dating in general sucks.