The Phoenix Rises

A PEACE Of My Mind!

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My Jokes For Today

This Thanksgiving, I’d be thankful if I could get the f’n annoying Taylor Swift tune outta me head!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful that I have a low sperm count so I don’t have any child support to pay.

I said to her, ‘Are you alright?’ She said, ‘Sure. Why do you ask?’ I said, ‘Cause you’re getting f’n weird right now.’ My court date is on Thursday.

Even a pretty flower can stink. Have you ever smelled Nasturtium? Pew! And Natalie didn’t fair much better.

It’s great to see that the Tea Party finally rallied and organized protests of 100,000’s of thousands of angry citizens, in 100’s of cities across America against ObamaCare!

If Bill Cosby hurts for money from all this, he can always do the sequel, “Mother, Juggs, & Speed 2”

You’re looking forward to Thanksgiving? I’ll check back with you, when you’re seated next to your in-laws!


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Love Of Life

So I was given a surprise little interview today on love and my future surprisingly enough. About what I wanted. I stated for the record:
For Love – I want a partner. A best friend. A soul mate, if you will. A lover. A muse. All in one. I came close once. I really believed I had that. And I believed it for so long that I had exactly that. But sadly, it turned out not to be the case. I was wrong. But I have not given up hope and I know that incredibly special someone IS out there. And it’s only a matter of time, when the Universe will embrace my soul again, and more powerful than before, because it will be so much more than what I thought before and I look forward to it when it’s really there, and it will be so obvious.

But no matter what and no matter when, all I want out of my life is to be happy. And that is my focus. No more. No less. Single or not, rich or poor, I just want to live in the moment, become enriched in life, and my life, savor what I have, and just be happy…

If someone takes that ride with me, then that’s great, and if I go it alone, that’s okay, because I’m still taking the ride no matter what. Life is short. My life is short. I got so caught up in the wrong things like everybody else, thinking we had to live life a certain way that we were taught. I don’t want to get caught up in that. I want to live everyday by enjoying it!

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My Charlie Manson Marriage Jokes

80 year old Charles Manson got a marriage license. See gang, there’s someone out there for you!!

80 year old Charles Manson’s gonna get more jail time! For marrying a 26 year old. The charges are, “robbing the cradle”.

Charles Manson’s getting married. So ladies. Your man doesn’t seem so bad now does he?

The Manson girls are gonna go helter skelter on Chuck, hearing he’s marrying someone else.

Most girls like a feature on a guy like a dimple or a rugged chin. Charles Manson’s bride must have loved that f’n swastika carved into his forehead…

Wondering what store the Manson wedding is registered at…

I hear the Manson’s won’t be exchanging rings or vows at the wedding. They’re going to exchange mental illnesses.

The Manson’s are in love. I hear they’re sporting his and hers swastikas on their foreheads…

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UFO’s – Unidentified Flying Objects

“Flemming, do you believe in UFO’s?”

Of course. Really, who can’t? They are real. Let me be clear. I don’t necessarily believe in Flying Saucers. I believe in Unidentified Flying Objects. Because they exist. Example:

“Flemming, look at that plane way up in the sky. Is that a Boeing 747? Or a Boeing 727?”

“Well, I don’t really f**king know. I can’t identify it. Let me just put that down in my UFO journal for today.”

“Hey Flemming! Is that a… Flamingo… Or a Heron taking flight?”

“Hmn. Beats the s**t outta me! Are you sure it might not be a Whooping Crane?”

“I don’t know.”

“S**t. I didn’t bring my Unidentified Flying Object journal with me. Remind me to log it for the government when I get home.”

Of course UFO’s are real, dumb ass. If you knew what they were, they wouldn’t be Unidentified Flying Objects, and you’d be a rocket scientist! Or a ornithologist!